Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
