he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
