You work out of a Hotel?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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