Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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