Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
