Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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