Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can text with my tongue
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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