Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
