White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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