Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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