I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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