Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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