im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
