Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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