DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The uberlube is also flammable
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
