Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize