I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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