I can text with my tongue
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
