Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
