Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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