and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
