Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
