I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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