Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
