Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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