1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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