States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
