come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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