im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
