I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he laminated a picture of his dick.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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