if you like me you must not know who I am
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
