i think i scared a bird with my dick
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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