I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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