I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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