we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
