I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
