Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
