Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
