I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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