He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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