I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
