You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Alive.
So much puke
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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