barbara walters just said penis...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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