he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize