Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
