What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
