oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
