I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
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