i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
