Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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