She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
