Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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