I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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