we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
