Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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