I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
